Everywhere I look- there are pregnant women or babies. Half of my friends have decided to jump back in for “just ONE more”. Even my ex-husband has a new baby.
See what I mean?
I’m surrounded.
Until recently- it made me really sad. My kids are 10 & 15 and it’s flying by at the speed of light. My son gets his drivers license in July… Whoa. I mentioned feeling sad about it to a friend of mine and she looked at me like I was crazy “DON’T do it- don’t be jealous- don’t be sad- I’ll come to your house and sleep, sleep, sleep…you can stay here and get it out of your system.” I had one blinding memory of how painfully sleep deprived I was after Isabelle was born…
Isabelle was up every 45 minutes for a year. EVERY 45 minutes. I finally took her to the chiropractor because I was ready to leave her in a basket on someone’s porch. They adjusted her neck and she slept perfectly after that. I cried for a week when I realized it had been that easy to fix. She’s been a feisty redhead from the word GO- and I will happily admit that if she’d been our firstborn- she’d have been an only child. Two boys would be easy as pie- two girls might have put me in the grave early, but I really always wanted two of each.
Divorce made #3 & #4 a little tricky. Dating a non-committal anti-breeder didn’t help. I fully admit and take responsibility for being one of those tragic “He’ll change his mind” women at the time, and it’s my own fault I stuck around waiting for babies & commitment (along with employment) to sound like a good idea to him. No such luck.
Thank God and ALL that is Holy.
Because I find myself single- happy as hell and loving SO much that my babies aren’t babies anymore.
My son spent the night with a friend last night, and my darling baby girl begged me to take her to the The Dive for dinner.
“Mom… even second graders are talking about it and I haven’t been there… please???”
The massive fruity-pink-drink-induced hangover had finally subsided, and the mere mention of french fries sealed the deal. We walked in and the look on her face had me asking her “Are you OK?” every 5 seconds until she said “Mom, I’m FINE!” Sigh… no matter how old this child gets, she will always be 6 months old to me- and I’ve never taken her to a bar. Or even near one, for that matter.
She saw the peanuts… and when I told her she had to throw the shells on the floor she looked at me like I’d lost my mind. She looked around, and sort of brushed them off the edge of the table and looked horrified. After all, she is my baby- what did you expect? 
She laughed and said “I feel dirty.” but in no time, she was throwing them on the floor with a wicked grin on her face, then burst out laughing, pointed at my elbows and said “Mom you’re squishing fairies, see its all downhill when you start breaking the rules!” My elbows were firmly planted on the table- she was completely right.
… a beautiful pregnant woman walked by and it hit me.
I think I’m past the point of no return. I love my intact empty body.
Don’t get me wrong…I love every millimeter of my babies- and I LOVED being pregnant- loved natural childbirth- loved it all, but being supermom isn’t easy- it’s exhausting- and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’d die before I bought them Valentine’s or Halloween costumes at the store. I knit or sew them something every year at Christmas- we take family trips to Mexico to play in the ocean. We’ve created two fabulous funny little people. If I met someone with one of each- it’d be perfect- but I’m completely satisfied with what my body has grown.
We played basketball and she beat the pants off me at air hockey… at which point she looked up at me and grinned.
Sigh. Why on earth did my daughter get that naughty sparkle? Why? Why? Why? Of all the things she could inherit- why that one? My family teases me about it mercilessly.
“I wanna ride the bull!” she giggled.
Gulp. So totally and completely my fault- That sparkle comes from her soul…I put it there. Damn.
She rode it twice- and I must admit- she’s better than me. She knows when to give up and jump off… I told her I couldn’t bring myself to give up- I had to have it throw me off… she shook her head at me and reached out to hold my hand for the walk to the car.
A perfect evening- with my favorite little girl in the whole wide world. I wouldn’t trade a second of it and that would be unavoidable if I had a new baby in my arms. Their baby days have passed, and I miss them- but my goodness they’re both so much fun to hang out with now.
She woke up this morning, sat up and smiled at me… and said
“I wanna ride the bull AGAIN! That was sooooo fun!”
Damn that sparkle anyway.
