Glutton

I’m a glutton for punishment.

He called this morning.

I had to answer it… even though it was painfully awkward.

A little silent at first.

I think he thinks I’m apologizing.

I’m praying he has something to say.

But he talks about work… and friends… and doesn’t say anything about the ENORMOUS FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE FUCKING ROOM.

and in true form, I’m not saying shit, with a mouth full of it.

Big tears rolling down my cheeks. Devastated. Crushed and heartbroken to the core.

Disillusioned.

Disenchanted.

Seriously considering trying on my Lesbian panties.

I may as well, because the guy ruined me. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I know the difference and shopping just got A LOT harder.

I knew size mattered…. but at a certain point it’s like counting cards in Vegas… you know you’re going to win. It’s a sure thing…. and there’s nothing not to love about a multiple jackpot payout. Every day he’s away I’m wound a little tighter.

It’s good enough I had to bang it out one last time after I found out… just because I was already sad at the thought of not having him anymore. Don’t judge… you would too. Plus it was my birthday and I wanted at least one part of it to not suck.

He burned himself into my skin. He just bought me a tattoo for my birthday. Thankfully too, because it hurts enough today that it’s taking my mind off the ache in my chest.

We had our differences, but I fell hard and fast- as he danced with me, sang to me, told me he loved me in several languages. Cooked me into submission. Jealous enough to make me feel valued & protected. Sigh.

I bought the farm. I admit it. I was ready to sign on the dotted line.

Amazed that it could really be that fun and that amazing and real enough to make it legitimate.

Destroyed by a few text messages… and he is adamant that it’s nothing. Furious that I would accuse him. Pissed off at ME.

No matter what I say.

J- I really don’t want to think you’re seeing someone else, but I think if you think about me for a minute you should be able to understand why that would hurt so badly and given my track record, why I would think the worst. I know you would too. I don’t want to share you.

N- You don’t have to, I don’t know what more to say to you!

Sigh.

What if I am wrong? What if I just accused him of cheating like some crazy jealous person?

After reading his text messages… which is something crazy jealous people do.

I’ve been through it too many times. The first sign of danger and I think the worst… and he is pissed off about it. Unapologetic at this point. Belligerent even, refusing to apologize for something he insists he didn’t do.

I don’t know what to think.

I’m still reeling.