Children, Family, Food, Friends, Happiness, Truth, Victory!

The Last Straw

Unfortunately my settings on one of these stupid dating sites has it chiming on my phone every time an email comes in, which is a lot. I finally sat down yesterday to change the settings in hopes of putting an end to the infernal distraction.

Success… oh and 22 new emails. I open the first one…

D- Hi.

That’s all. I see so many of these I just have to wonder what the hell these guys are thinking. You’re establishing contact with someone for the first time, hoping to spurn a response.

And all you’ve fucking got is Hi? Hello? Sup? Yo? Hey? I’ve seen them all and I never respond… but then you have to be a freak to ilicit a response from me because I’m only in it for the story at this point.

The playground is shut down for remodeling… and I’m a bored woman as a result. lol… I open the second email and it only gets better.


4/28/2012 11:50:37 AM

Let me guess.. You found my profile more than a bit on the vulgar side.. Perhaps a bit disturbing as
well. you must have had a few glasses of wine to have even clicked on it.. I know your type.. Your a
mile above me.. And your clearly more than a bit too classy for my common ass.. but I might just
surprise you… And it’s not like I would expect you to tell your friends about me 😉

This guy has emailed me three times, and frankly; he’s repulsive. He’s not my type, I would really be being mean if I dated him.

What really stuns me, is that they make this assumption about me based on one picture, and one paragraph. Enough to insult me for not being interested in them.

They say women are crazy? Oh no. The penis-clad species is equally as crazy, if not more so, because they’re entitled to their jealousy. We’re supposed to understand that boys can be boys and “well you know he’s a man… he’s bound to be protective.

Turn those tables and you know what they call that girl? A date crasher. A stalker. A bunny boiler. Fatal attraction.

He’s protective, masculine, he just loves you a lot.

No. He’s a stalker and if I come up missing, check his house.

Yikers. A stalker is a stalker, is a stalker- and this guy is getting his panties in a bunch because he’s emailed me three times and I haven’t responded, but he can see that I viewed his profile.

Imagine him in real life. He’s the guy who stalks you daily, the one who wants to read your emails, look at your phone and account for every minute in your day and who you came in contact with. He “just stops by” and “just stays for the weekend”. Allowing this guy into your life is like petting a raccoon. They can imprint on you and follow you for life. They come in through windows, dog doors, chimneys. If they love you- they will do anything to be next to you.

It reminds me of fungus- no thanks.

The next email is a perfect example of why I’d really love to meet a nice woman every now and again. If anything inspires me to switch teams… it’s this guy.



4/8/2012 12:18:29 AM
Wanna Chat

4/24/2012 10:59:16 PM
All girls like me I was in the military

4/24/2012 11:11:28 PM
And I have a very large penis

Yeah… he said that.

Like he actually expects a response finally that says “Oh well in that case, let’s chat” <eyeroll>

I don’t think I can even handle these internet retards any more. I may be officially ruined for men entirely.

Disgusted with the species… I signed out of the craziness that is meeting a date online.

I decided to make dinner and invite family over. My mama, her fabulous boyfriend, Sober One Kenobe and Mr. Man Card. My little princess.

Fresh pesto tortellini, asparagus, a green salad & garlic bread. Eclairs for dessert… with a glass of wine, around the kitchen table we’d pulled into the greenhouse and filled with spring flowers. It was a twinkly perfect evening full of the stuff that feels right. Family & friends and great food, laughing around the table in the light of white lights strung around the inside of the greenhouse with the smell of little tomatoes and flowers growing.

Internet dating cheapens what it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to see a cute guy and smile. He’s supposed to ask for your number and you’re supposed to have dinner or something in this sort of circumstance. The twinkle lights are optional but I’d say they’re worth a few bonus points.

It’s supposed to be as good as dinner with your friends and family- it’s supposed to leave you smiling the next morning, washing a stack of dishes and throwing the tablecloth in the washer.

Internet dating is depressing- and that’s not what I’m looking for.

I can do without the creepy stalking oversharers.

I officially quit my internet presence as potential prey. I climbed out of the mud puddle.

……..and I feel cleaner already 🙂

Friends, Victory!, Whine/Rant

Words fail me.

Well… no… no they don’t. In fact, I’m a wordy deadly weapon every now and then and this man just happened to piss me off on a very wrong day. I’m simmering, damn annoyed and dying for a target. Exhausted and coming down with a cold that involves me feeling queasy. Work was a real picnic. I came home and realized it’d been days since I checked out the whole crazy inbox of internet dating weirdos. It’s downright depressing. I may just have to spend a whole day copying and pasting to share my horror. It’s worse than I can describe.

On occasion, one of them is rude…. which is what happened the other day.

Like I said… I’m itching to eviscerate an idiot, and this guy is shaping up to be just the right guy for the slaughter.

A volunteer douche bag, just asking for it.


3/30/2012 11:52:54 PM
Well this non-douche bag tried a couple of times to say HI
SO you get what get Maybe you are just attractive on the outside

4/4/2012 11:30:40 AM
This email tells me just how much of a douche bag you really are. Someone not being interested in your rather unattractive old ass does not give you license to insult me. Kick rocks, asshole.

4/4/2012 1:47:19 PM
Well I think I will be successfully off of here before you…so not so unattractive or a douche bagSorry that was rude, and for that I apologize

Where to start?

Amazing & Unique? Not so much. Trust me, I have a doctorate in Douche Bag and you are quite the textbook example of a penis, gone douche. Again… I didn’t respond because your photograph alone tells me I’m not interested, nuff said. I was being nice by ignoring you. Oh sorry, that was rude- but you asked for it. xo J

Usually I rename them, more as a courtesy than anything, since they may not be thrilled about being blog fodder. Names have been changed to protect the occasionally innocent. Which doesn’t happen very often, but this is a whole new ballgame. Today’s emails were so bizarre I had to call my friend and read them to her. I may even screen shot them to prove it.


4/5/2012 9:24:15 PM  I’m the person that’s taking huge dumps in the middle of the bike path.. So if you stepped on

some in some huge man scat.. It was mine 🙂 please watch me have gay sex..

What the fuck? Again… I cannot change his name because this dude is clearly insane or this is his ex-wife, determined to destroy his reputation. She’s succeeding. I don’t even know where to go with that or how to respond. I think this is one of those magical occasions that less is more. I’m just not into gay sex unless it’s women, sorry. I’m fresh out of any urge to be ignored by TWO guys at once. No thanks, I’m gonna have to pass.


3/20/2012 11:04:28 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you…enjoying Spring so far? :)Look forward to hearing from you,

3/22/2012 12:31:53 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you today? 🙂 Yeah, I’m SOOO waiting for the real spring to come out, too…so, I can spend some time out at the lake 🙂 Where do you like to go camping? Do you ever come to the Spokane area?I see in your profile, you’d had a few “strange” dates, curious what those are? I’ve heard some CRAZY stories…as well as with my own :)So, you like the “exception to the rule”…curious what that’s about…I’d like to think I am, but I guess that’s in the eye of the beholder 🙂

Do you have anymore pics you wouldn’t mind sharing?

Look forward to hearing from you,


3/30/2012 1:13:52 PM
Wahoo, it’s Friday! :)Hi beautiful, how was your week, other than all the rain? 😦 Doing anything fun and exciting for the weekend? For me, going to the Shock game in Spokane…wahoo! :)Look forward to hearing from you,


3/31/2012 6:44:53 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you, enjoying your weekend so far? 🙂

4/5/2012 4:58:32 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you…having a good week so far?

How many times do you contact someone and not hear back before you understand they’re not interested? He’s cute… ish. Not my type, not at all interesting to me. Dude… buy a clue. She’s just not that into you. Silence speaks volumes, a lesson I’ve learned from the Vagina Hoarder. Nothing makes you feel worth less. Run. This man cannot date me. I will only make him feel bad about himself.

I had to sit and laugh… I had to call a girlfriend to read them to her. I had to just shake my head and wonder how on earth I ever thought internet dating was a good idea….

Truth, Whine/Rant

First Impressions, a RANT.

What I really should do, is quit my job and open a business tailored to helping men sound like someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than they are, so that they could be more successful at internet dating.

Because frankly… they’re all so fucking ignorant I want to scream. If I weren’t hand picking the odd balls, I’d want to sew my vagina shut and live in an underground bunker- just to avoid the penis-folk.

I really have to pull out my bitchy soap box this morning though, because out of 19 emails, 2 men have taken the time to spell out the word Y O U. I understand shorthand laziness and I get that 90% of people just write “u”… but I’m not one of them, and when you have nothing but email to rely on for a first impression? Make it fucking count. For crying out loud, be so bold as to use two more letters while typing.

Here’s a sampling… so you can see what I’m fuming about.

Hi j how r u first date meet u in sandpoint for a drink and c where it goes from there what do u think

C where it goes from where? Perhaps you want to meet my … uh… well… shit. I don’t know anyone his age so I guess that’s out. If I introduced him to my mama she’d smack him.

I’m extremely multifaceted, most definitely one of the most interesting individuals you will meet, and I can promise you that! I have seen and done a lot in my days here on the planet EARTH. I tend to have an insatiable appetite for learning, which lends itself to many adventures. I am driven and have an uncanny sense of personal motivation. I am independent; although that can be my biggest strength, it can also be my greatest crutch. I would describe my adventurous ways as a cat, just a little mischievous, but one that will always land on its feet! I guess some, would label this as a free spirit, because I am passionate about humanity in a way that most others can’t touch. I am selfless in ways, which most don’t understand. I give of my time, without thought or payment; more often then most do in their lifetime.
Have I scared you away yet? I promise I don’t bite…

And ya lost me… I love a good biter. lol… BUT. The thought of this man biting me after his rather Thomas-esque 18 page email about how fantastic I am and how magnanimous and charitable he his, makes me throw up in my mouth a little. This guy does everything but email you the title to his mid-life crisis mobile. I understand some men play the sugar daddy card… but I’d rather be poor and exhausted in love than face my wifely obligations with any amount of hesitation.

hi j, i read ur profile and decide to say hi. if u would like to chatt sometime feel free to say hi. by 4 now good luck fishing.

Nevermind school was canceled yesterday due to snow. Nevermind it’s NOT FISHING WEATHER. It’s another one of those UR douche bags. For fuck’s sake, SPELL THE FUCKING WORD. This is your first chance to communicate with someone you potentially want to date, right? Is it really that much to ask that they fake a little intelligence? Please? My bad habit loves Jeopardy, if that tells you anything. Sheesh. This girl… loves smart men ONLY. Don’t even get me started on his decorating decisions or creeper mustache.

Well, the text of your POF profile certainly doesn’t speak very well for the “datin’ pool” of Sandpoint area eligible males!?! ( Altho, since I acually live on four acres out in the country, about eight miles outside the next city, perhaps I don’t fit the pattern you reference )?

Uh… no, you fit every pattern I’ve had the misfortune of coming across, thus far. At 55, you exceed my age requirements by oh… 10 years. Let me guess, you’re a young 55? Ugh. Yuck. No. Sack up and date women your own age and spare me their hate and vitriol when they see you trying to date me. These guys are the worst. They piss off the women I adore by being shallow bottom feeders who have in no way done anything in life that qualifies or absolves them the guilt of, dating someone 20 years younger. He should thank me for not responding. He’d hate my music and I’d end up flirting with his 26 year old son, lol…

Hey beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just thought that I would write to say hello and to see if “u” might like to communicate a little bit for starters????????????

Oh boy… where on earth do I even start. He refers to himself in the third person as a “Savory Morsel” <gag>. He’s 50… and well… absolutely not. I had to post his email because he’s clearly trying to find his way to being a hipster that uses the destruction of Y O U. He had to put quotation marks around his U… he was that uncomfortable. Now that’s funny 🙂

Ha R U?

Uh… I’m scared…. for so many reasons and in so many ways. A man of few words? Um… HA!  I’m not sure where to go from there… other than to show you his profile… in it’s entirety.


Hi my name is. Dave. I was born in cali
And moved up Here a few years ago
I do like the country. I like to take my
Boat out to the lake Every chance I get.
I do like takin my truck. Or my dirt bike And going off road.
I do like the city life. I like going in watching a live band.
Or just going out on the town.
I do like to go to the movies a lot. Or go have a drink.
Or a nice dinner somewhere. Or run off to vegas for the weekend.
I have a good job.
I would love to find a good Woman.
I know it something you can’t rush.
I just hope someday. I could meet the girl for me

And y’all wonder why I pick the crazies…and Good luck, Dave.

It appears we all need a helluva lot of luck.