The Pretentious, The Elderly, and The Vertically Challenged.

Ahhh yes. The creepy guys I’ve learned to block in this whole internet dating adventure.  The snotty/snobby/spoiled boys, the dirty old men, and every single man in the tri-state area under 5’5″.

I’ve decided to let them speak for themselves, since I could never compete with these emails 🙂

1. HOW YOU DOIN???

How is life in Sandpoint today? I was just there last Sunday. I landed at the airport and looked around a little. Had lunch and did a little light shopping. Sandpoint is awesome. It’s great to see you got more traffic lights and more updated infrastructure. I saw Lyle Lovett at the music show in Sandpoint a long time ago. Are you adventurous enough for me to pick you up and fly you back to Newport Beach for lunch this week?

Have a great weekend.
Hank

Hank is 65, a retired business exec with 4 children that live away from home, twice divorced. Sound Nice? Normal? No. Nice guys don’t try to fly you anywhere on a first date, and any man who’s a fan of traffic lights probably wont enjoy me much- as I do any & everything to avoid them. Realistically? He’s probably an elusive member of the FBI’s Most Wanted.

2. Hotcake,

I just became a paramedic and love it…I’m also a therapist and a accountant…but that’s a long story.

What do I like to do for fun? I like to try new things – like I went skiing for the first time in 30 years and I camped in the snow.  Actually, I have to say much of my jobs is recreational – the best things in life are free.

I’m currently on a very restricted calorie regiment, but normally I’m all about trying new restuarants – the stranger, the better.

I live with my brother in a really small town – he’s divorced and the kids are out of the house. As far as dating, that hasn’t been any sort of issue so far seeing as I haven’t actually had a date since I moved here…but I’m forever hopeful that will change. Nonetheless I have thought about logistics and it just so happens his girlfriend has a place in town and he stays at her house a couple nights a week.

I hope this email has gotten me closer to that all so elusive first date:)

Neal.

… Unfortunately, Neal is my deadbeat dad’s name- so the thought of screaming out “NEAL!” in any intimate circumstance makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Shudder. Eww.. Perhaps not the first thing I should consider, but after dating a guy named Solar- I’ve realized how much a name does matter. It’s hard enough explaining strange behavior- you shouldn’t have to be burdened by his name too.

Neal is 5’4″, around 240 lbs,  50 yrs old,  never been married,  with no kids. (Do you see the flashing red lights? Hear the sirens? Good) He could potentially save my life, solve my problems and do my taxes… but he lives with his brother, camps in the snow and can’t eat anything (and wants strange food when he can). Hmm. The good news? He seems to have already worked out how I can spend the night at “their” house…assuming his persuasive email does the trick and lures me in.Yikes.

(Thank God & all that is holy that Match.com doesn’t share your physical address.)

Hey buttiful,
How’s it going? So you think tractors are sexy? well then you might want to sit down cause I have three of them, four if you want to count my lawn tractor! lol How’s everything in Spoint? I was just up there two weeks ago. Well feeling kinda sick today and I think the way to get over it is to hit the mountains on the sled!! lol Don’t tell the boss even though he’s already on to us. lol Have a great day hope to hear from you. lol Roy

Roy is 27, and has 8 pictures of himself with a different dead animal in each one. Granted, I’m not a hunter- but I would think someone must have some pictures he can use that don’t bring the Sarah Palin live turkey murder to mind. Roy emailed me 11 times before I responded. I emailed him and said:

“No offense Roy, but the more you email me, the more I relate to the animals in your pictures. I’m sure you’re very nice, but you’re too young for me, and we’re looking for different things.” Now I figured that was a nice kind way to get him to scram. Again- I need to learn to be mean. I got this back:

“You could be my first cougar. lol Just Kidden. For real though, I can help you with my tractor.”

Roy

Jerk called me a cougar. So I wasn’t terribly nice when I had to email this crazy person again.

“Oh Roy,

You and all the tractors in the continental US couldn’t handle the job and if you’re going to take the time to compliment a woman, or email a dozen freaking times, take the time to use the spell check. Sheesh!”

Oh the fun of it all 🙂


Oh Ben.

Considered internet dating? Hmmm… I hadn’t either… but such is life, and so it goes.

Frustrated and trying to avoid the bar scene?  Thinking you might  contact someone from an online dating service?  I’m not sure where to begin in warning someone, but the email I received today should say it all…

hi im Ben, looks like you have very full plate, me too. Hardly ever have enough time to do it all with alot of irons in the fire. looks like we have alot in common I think we could be good friends at least maby more im not sure. I think it would come down to time. maby im wrong but we are both very independent and that takes alot. so here is an invite to you. I think your pics are very hot for some reason, you look a little taller in photos than you stated, mis-print or just my take on them? I am an artist at heart and see some things different than most. I was also born in Sandpit but I have never lived there. I love gadgets, tec. stuff,art,music,outdoors. (not a hippi or a tec. geek) more of a hunter, fisher,worker with the cool shit to do it with!

Is it really so much to ask for a man that knows how to spell “maybe”? Or hope for one who knows how to capitalize? There are some dangerous violations with the comma in this email.  I especially love that he thinks that my pics are “very hot for some reason”. Didn’t we learn these things in grade school? Has the internet really freed people up so much that they feel comfortable looking/sounding like an idiot? I probably sound like a bitch- but I’d love to correct his email and send it back- lol. Not to be mean- but to help a ‘fella out… he can’t be having much luck with that approach.

Incidentally my profile says:

“I would love to meet someone who reads for enjoyment and can write a love note that I can understand both the spelling and grammar in”

Somehow that doesn’t really sound like Ben.

<snicker>