Mr. (ex)Boyfriend,
Your endless barrage of text messages is driving me fucking nuts. If you can’t spell the word Y-O-U… don’t bother me. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I was more than a little nice. I even chose my words carefully. Which is exactly what I’m going to do now, only in a whole new way.
You bore me to tears. Seriously. While you’re very nice, I know that in a matter of months I’d be cheating on you. If not weeks. Just for the opportunity to have an intelligent conversation, if nothing else.
Your jokes aren’t funny and neither is calling your dick a wiener. That’s what my Grandma calls hot dogs. I’d never put a wiener in my mouth. Nuff said.
My ten year old is funnier than you- and can crack jokes at your expense, in your presence, without you knowing. That’s where you lost me. You finding my blog only made it easy to break up with you. I was planning on weeks of working too much and continuing to be emotionally unavailable, which ultimately would have led you to be frustrated to the point of breaking up with ME. Thanks for making it easier and saving me time.
A little advice? Whimpering is for girls – leave the moaning to the chicks. We’re talking a SERIOUS buzz kill! The times you were quiet? I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from calling you the wrong name because I was thinking about someone else.
You telling me how amazing & gorgeous and spectacular I was all the time only led me to one conclusion. I’m out of your league.
Keep those text messages coming if you’d like me to continue.
You should know that being a pain in the ass will get you nowhere with me.
xo Jenni
