I must have “Breeder” tattooed on my face somewhere.

I’m beginning to wonder.

Sigh.

I have a date Friday… with Rick… handpicked by me… and my shark.

If there were ever a bigger sign you need to get over him… it’s his choosing who will be replacing him, right?

Then I get another email…

Hey baby,

I have a big city mentality. I think more of the big picture as opposed to the week. Having a nice home I own and a running vehicle is more important to me than having a toy for each season and a vehicle worth more than the place I live in.

I love nice shoes but wearing them in Idaho is not much of an option. I am not one to think like a lot of girls I have met. I can’t see someone saying I want marriage and kids by the end of the year. The white picket fence, kids, and marriage at 18 years old is not attractive to me. It is now and that’s what I’m looking for in a woman. Do you want to have more kids?

I also just remembered that Fathers Day is Sunday so my dad and I will go out for dinner probably Monday. Where do you want to go Friday?

Rick

Dammit. All I can think of saying back to him is:

“Shhhhhh….. Don’t talk… I liked you so much more before you said anything” but somehow I think that could make my date on Friday a little awkward.

Let me be painfully honest.

I would love to have a delightfully scrumptious baby with the man of my dreams. You know the guy? The one that gets up in the middle of the night? The one that helps the other kids with homework because you’re nursing a baby and making dinner and canning salsa… etc…

But he doesn’t exist… unless you’re a whiny demanding bitch that wants to pass the baby off…

and that’s just not me. I’m good old fashioned territorial. If I grow it- it’s mine- and I’m not leaving it…

I’ve begun to believe I have this tattooed somewhere… because if I had a quarter for every man that emailed me asking me if I wanted to have his babies… I’d be able to maintain this fabulous single life forever…

and not wearing good shoes in Idaho…. Hmph. Makes me want to cancel.

and incidentally… I had the whole white picket fence thing… at 18…sooooooo

Rick,

Ok… You cannot call me baby yet…and in all fairness- if you met a woman who told you she wanted to be married & pregnant by the end of the year, wouldn’t it scare the hell out of you? I had the picket fence at 18- and while I wouldn’t trade a minute of it, it’d definitely be easier and perhaps more… treasured… the second time around. Hopefully we all learn to value the important things more the older we get, right? I spent the last 7 years with a non-committal guy… so I sort of gave up on my second white picket fence.

I don’t know Coeur d’ Alene very well- do you have a favorite place to go?

xo Jenni

I want shark.


Religiously Strange.

I truly hoped I was prepared for my date tonight with the African Wild Game Hunter. Who just so happens to be 5′ 2:”. At the very, very most.

I’ve begun to wonder if I can have my loser magnet surgically removed.

When the first thing your date says to you is “How do you feel about our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ?”

Where the F do you go from there? Seriously. I can handle a lot of strange things- but a fire & brimstone Baptist, it turns out, is definitely NOT one of them. Frankly, the “born-again” frighten me, and after last night, I know it’s a good healthy fear that I should encourage.

I have Mormon roots, and have chosen to be Catholic. I chose to be Catholic largely based on the fact no one confronted me about my faith at St. Joseph’s. Nobody read me bible stories as a child – and I have absolutely NO idea what they’re talking about when they mention feeding the multitude…  The difference between the Catholic church and all the rest we’d tried, was that they welcomed me and never questioned how deep my faith ran.  After visiting at least 20 churches- I was beyond grateful. I planted the church gardens that year- and my daughter was born, and baptized the same night as my son & I… at my/our first Easter Vigil.I fell in love with the tradition of Catholicism. I’m still not sold on the whole enchilada.

My date tonight was a good old fashioned garden variety disaster. I would go into further detail, but I need to drown myself in a martini & climb into the hot tub. I refuse to be reduced by the nightmare that is internet dating… 🙂

Bring on the cats.


The Pretentious, The Elderly, and The Vertically Challenged.

Ahhh yes. The creepy guys I’ve learned to block in this whole internet dating adventure.  The snotty/snobby/spoiled boys, the dirty old men, and every single man in the tri-state area under 5’5″.

I’ve decided to let them speak for themselves, since I could never compete with these emails 🙂

1. HOW YOU DOIN???

How is life in Sandpoint today? I was just there last Sunday. I landed at the airport and looked around a little. Had lunch and did a little light shopping. Sandpoint is awesome. It’s great to see you got more traffic lights and more updated infrastructure. I saw Lyle Lovett at the music show in Sandpoint a long time ago. Are you adventurous enough for me to pick you up and fly you back to Newport Beach for lunch this week?

Have a great weekend.
Hank

Hank is 65, a retired business exec with 4 children that live away from home, twice divorced. Sound Nice? Normal? No. Nice guys don’t try to fly you anywhere on a first date, and any man who’s a fan of traffic lights probably wont enjoy me much- as I do any & everything to avoid them. Realistically? He’s probably an elusive member of the FBI’s Most Wanted.

2. Hotcake,

I just became a paramedic and love it…I’m also a therapist and a accountant…but that’s a long story.

What do I like to do for fun? I like to try new things – like I went skiing for the first time in 30 years and I camped in the snow.  Actually, I have to say much of my jobs is recreational – the best things in life are free.

I’m currently on a very restricted calorie regiment, but normally I’m all about trying new restuarants – the stranger, the better.

I live with my brother in a really small town – he’s divorced and the kids are out of the house. As far as dating, that hasn’t been any sort of issue so far seeing as I haven’t actually had a date since I moved here…but I’m forever hopeful that will change. Nonetheless I have thought about logistics and it just so happens his girlfriend has a place in town and he stays at her house a couple nights a week.

I hope this email has gotten me closer to that all so elusive first date:)

Neal.

… Unfortunately, Neal is my deadbeat dad’s name- so the thought of screaming out “NEAL!” in any intimate circumstance makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Shudder. Eww.. Perhaps not the first thing I should consider, but after dating a guy named Solar- I’ve realized how much a name does matter. It’s hard enough explaining strange behavior- you shouldn’t have to be burdened by his name too.

Neal is 5’4″, around 240 lbs,  50 yrs old,  never been married,  with no kids. (Do you see the flashing red lights? Hear the sirens? Good) He could potentially save my life, solve my problems and do my taxes… but he lives with his brother, camps in the snow and can’t eat anything (and wants strange food when he can). Hmm. The good news? He seems to have already worked out how I can spend the night at “their” house…assuming his persuasive email does the trick and lures me in.Yikes.

(Thank God & all that is holy that Match.com doesn’t share your physical address.)

Hey buttiful,
How’s it going? So you think tractors are sexy? well then you might want to sit down cause I have three of them, four if you want to count my lawn tractor! lol How’s everything in Spoint? I was just up there two weeks ago. Well feeling kinda sick today and I think the way to get over it is to hit the mountains on the sled!! lol Don’t tell the boss even though he’s already on to us. lol Have a great day hope to hear from you. lol Roy

Roy is 27, and has 8 pictures of himself with a different dead animal in each one. Granted, I’m not a hunter- but I would think someone must have some pictures he can use that don’t bring the Sarah Palin live turkey murder to mind. Roy emailed me 11 times before I responded. I emailed him and said:

“No offense Roy, but the more you email me, the more I relate to the animals in your pictures. I’m sure you’re very nice, but you’re too young for me, and we’re looking for different things.” Now I figured that was a nice kind way to get him to scram. Again- I need to learn to be mean. I got this back:

“You could be my first cougar. lol Just Kidden. For real though, I can help you with my tractor.”

Roy

Jerk called me a cougar. So I wasn’t terribly nice when I had to email this crazy person again.

“Oh Roy,

You and all the tractors in the continental US couldn’t handle the job and if you’re going to take the time to compliment a woman, or email a dozen freaking times, take the time to use the spell check. Sheesh!”

Oh the fun of it all 🙂


Internet dating 101…

A few warnings, perhaps? At the very least, let me save you from the terrific fun I’ve had so far 🙂

1. Don’t do it. For heavens sakes go out and meet someone in person that you fall madly and deeply in love with, then live happily ever after. Please. For those of us that have succumbed to the horror that is internet dating- do it the old fashioned way. Do it for us.

2. Don’t date someone completely different from anyone you’ve ever dated. Seriously. And if you do, and he/she doesn’t like you? Deal with it like a big boy/girl. There are many people out there that are compatible with us, and many that aren’t. Know the difference and accept it graciously either way.

3. Do not rely on text messages for communication. Oh and (God forbid) do not use ghetto text abbreviations. It’s such a gigantic turn off- blech blech gag. Nothing is more attractive than an intelligent man/woman being interested in you. Nothing. So if it takes you 10 seconds longer to make the effort to show your respect- good on you– and it’ll never make you look like an idiot…

4. Do not… I repeat… DO NOT date someone with a completely different diet than you. I recently went out on a date where he attempted to order the pizza without cheese. Being that it was one of only 3 toppings (the other two being basil & tomatoes) I sort of had to say something.  At a certain point, I thought I was on Candid Camera. My teenage son said it best “What could you possibly be thinking… what could you feed him? He wouldn’t/won’t eat half of the amazing stuff you make- and for the record, I’m not eating what some weirdo veggie eats”… out of the mouths of babes. Also… in case he’s reading this… It’s called meat. Not Mammalarian tissue. If there were ever a nail in the coffin- it was when he asked me if I ate Mammalarian tissue. Ummm yep- every day. Sometimes twice. Sheesh.

5. For goodness sake- remember to play hard to get. It’s divinely attractive- completely exciting and reminds you why you wanted to get back out there and torture yourself again. I appreciate compliments as much as the next girl- but I reaaaaaaally want to think my date is a confident self assured man who wants to like me, not marry me tomorrow afternoon at the Court House…

6. Be on time. It’s a first date- and if you’re late, it’s the last date. I guess it’s sort of something my Grandma taught me that has always sort of held true. She always said “If he doesn’t care about impressing  you on the first date- he doesn’t care about impressing you.” My grandparents were married for 50+ years- and blissfully happy. I tend to take that sort of qualified advice to heart.

7. If he’s over 40 and has never been married… something is wrong with him, or he’s fabulously gay and you should snatch him up as your new best friend. If he’s straight… umm… good luck. Statistics are not on your side… but good luck.

8. If you have a child under the age of 2- you have absolutely no business whatsoever internet dating. I’ve been emailed by several men with infants… and as much as I love babies- and loved my own more than anything- I can’t imagine that sort of dynamic- and it’s just sort of white trash tacky. Holy Moly… it’s certainly not something I saw coming- that’s for sure.

9. If you are a 65 year old African wild game hunter conservative Republican, perhaps the liberal-leaning 33 year old organic gardening/graphic designing/domestic princess is not for you. Good Freaking Grief. I am contacted by so many strange and oppositional men it’s just creepy. I cannot fathom anything kind I’d have to say to someone who paid an inordinate amount of money to kill a wild animal in Africa. Nothing. In fact I can think of PLENTY to the contrary. Ugh!

10. No uninvited touching. This is a big one. Unless there’s a blazing sign on my  forehead that says “Touch me, please?” don’t even think about it. It puts women in the most uncomfortable situation ever- as many of us are raised to be polite, not make a fuss, be demure, etc. So if you ignore all that- force the whole thing too soon and force her/him to make excuses to get away from you… it’s not going to work.  Anticipation is priceless- and I can confidently place myself in the category of things worth waiting for- so should you 🙂

Either way- the whole thing is stressful,  more than a little creepy and… … exciting. When I least expected it- while I was happily dismantling my internet dating existence… a cool one appeared.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂