Ask… and you shall receive.

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I deleted Tinder. Or at least ghosted a few dozen hopeful men and let it default to my being away on vacation. Someone recommended Bumble… and I love bees so I was immediately pleased with the little hive icons and the fabulous feature that only allows men to contact you after you’ve made the first move.  No rif-raf, frat boys or dirty old perverts… amen.

In the space of a week, my hive filled up with a beautiful brown assortment of men far too young to take seriously, a few educated men my own age and two exceptions.

One shark and one gentleman.

Now once upon a time I only dated sharky men. You know the type. He looks at you intently and you feel undressed. He’s confident, successful, wealthy and bold. He has a plan for you and it’s not always in your best interests. He smells incredible, kisses like he made it up and has the sexual repertoire I crave in a man.

Bachelor #1 is a Great White shark. He’s well traveled, extremely successful and well read. He wants to take me to dinner, dessert… and breakfast the next morning if I’ll let him. (Don’t worry, I won’t) Pictures AND video(s) of his equipment…He’s very interested, has already scheduled out to date 5 and is pulling out all the stops to impress me. I have a scorching hot date with him on Saturday night and am actually excited for the first time in a long time. He’s short, pretty and owns a bookstore complete with yarn. Be still my heart.

But I haven’t ended up anything but injured as a result of my Shark habit and I’m supposed to have grown up and learned from my hardest days, right?

So a gentleman doesn’t sound awful.

Bachelor #2 is a tall black gentleman making it very difficult for me to want to swim with a predator. I wake up to sweet, respectful wishes from him, that I have a great morning. He texts me at lunch with hopes my day is unfolding easily. Facetimes me while he makes incredible dinners for one. No dick pics or discussion of anything sexual. He wants to take me out for coffee after he gets through his finals. He’s graduating from a prestigious university this spring and is every bit as interesting as he is genuine. His intentions have been made as well, and he would like to date me exclusively… before the first date. Over the top, whines about his ex and is… well… a bit boring.

Internet dating is bizarre. Whoever thought you’d see his dick before your first date? Technology isn’t always the most romantic and I’d rather not see it pop up on my phone, to be honest.

Saturday should be fun, weird… or both.

Monday morning coffee with the gentleman should be sweet, boring… or both.

I’ll let you know. 🙂

30 Days of Truth, Day 30.

Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Jenni,

My goodness you’re resilient. You get your heart broken daily and yet here you are, still smiling like it’s just another Wednesday. I love that you’re getting better at asking for what you want and deserve. Your loyalty won’t always be used against you and I begrudgingly love that you still stubbornly adore the least deserving.

You see the beauty in everyone, even when they don’t necessarily see it in themselves. You see the prince in that frog. I’m so sorry you were wrong about the man you love so much. Your heart will survive it and you’ll be wiser as a result. It will get easier someday. I love that you always try to see the silver lining when it would be so much easier to wallow in self pity. I love that you can keep your head up when you are desperately hurt. I’m always a little in awe of your ability to forgive. “To err is human, to forgive divine.” but damn… you’ve had to forgive so much and you still have so much to give. I love that you seem to pull from a bottomless pool of love and forgiveness.

I love that you still believe in happily ever after. That you still believe in love. That you still won’t settle and are happily thriving alone. You don’t want a boyfriend for the sake of having one, you want love notes and to be woken up every morning by a man confident enough to do so. You deserve love songs and bold intentions, two things you’d never have gotten from the carp who swam away. 

I love that you’re lonely, yet still choose solitary happiness over a bandaid relationship.  I love that any old guy, will NOT do. I’m proud that you’ve learned that being wanted isn’t the same as being loved or respected. I’m proud of you for doing what you can to shake off the heartache of learning that awful lesson from someone you thought you could trust. I know you’re sad and I love that you’re responding in a really kind and healthy way… instead of eviscerating him, verbally. I also really love that you could verbally burn a motherfucker down in less than a thousand words, read by a few dozen countries every day. Stop and breathe in your strength. Don’t forget the army of strangers behind you in this heartbreaking battle to be happy.

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You might have lost a recent battle but you’re winning the war overall. Five years ago you would have given a kidney to be whining about something so trivial. I love that you can laugh at yourself while wiping tears away.

I love the easygoing mom you’ve grown into. I love that you buy the cupcakes and Twinkies you’ve always been too afraid to pack in school lunches. I love that you’ve learned to play now and clean later. I love that you’ve learned to guide and not instruct. I love the way you treasure all the art, keepsakes and school functions as much now as you did 24 years ago. You’re a really great mom.

I love that you couldn’t quit your garden but had enough sense to buy plants instead of starting everything from seed for yourself. I hope you never start them again. Pay the $3 a plant and have them a month ahead of schedule. $3 is a bargain. I’m proud of you for knowing your limits and planting less. I love that you always find so much joy and peace in the dirt. Keep on digging your happiness back out from wherever you buried it.

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I love that you’re exercising, and changing the shape of how you feel about yourself. I love that your insecurities don’t inhibit you sexually and I love that you don’t exercise to be sexy. Keep going!!!

I love that you’ve grown as a human and that you’re a softer, kinder and gentler version of you. I love how brave you’ve become and how well suited you are for your job. I love that it brings you joy and helps you grow a stronger spine, simultaneously.

I love you, keep up the good work!

xoxo J